They see me rollin', they hatin'...
"Bring flat booty back!"
"Girls with fat ass can't find shit that fits them. Girls with flat asses, you can take them to the kid section, take them to the men section /.../ Girls with big booties take a long time. They got to f*cking put their legs in the air and fucking pull their jeans down and pull everything over the ass"
@Kevin Harts Twitter
"BREAKING NEWS: Ladies today is National Shut The F#$k up Day.....
Let your man enjoy football in silence!!!! Leave the house now!
P.S if you are a woman that understands football then you can
ignore that last tweet!!!"
Hahaha. Värst av allt är att jag kan
höra han säga det där i huvudet.
Double trouble
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Haha, helt obrydd kille.
Jag hade ba: "...och det här kallar jag en box".
"Bullet går tillbaka"
"Här jag har fått nya tofflan som kommer ut 2077
Goochi, Vershashi, Nike - allting i en och samman".
Goochi, Vershashi, Nike - allting i en och samman".
Lär fan aldrig tröttna på honom
"I wonder if you could tell if it was this ugly in the ultrasound"
"Is that one of those miscarriages that survived?"
"Have you ever considered giving him a mask? A helmet?
Bästa skilsmässobrevet någonsin
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’. Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Reply
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’. Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Lilla Al Fadji
"Jag sa till dig nu eller alltid; tydligen du valde eller"
Hahaha. Tröttnar aldrig.
Ha aldrig sex med honom
Akon - I just had sex
Hörde hela låten för första gången och jag måste bara fråga: ...really? I just had sex and I did it with my penis? A girl let me do it and my penis felt great? She put a bag on my head but I just had sex?
Nej, men alltså... Jag finner inga ord. Vilket geni! Krävdes säkert en hel drös hjärnceller för den texten. Mamma måste vara superstolt. Verkligen. Synd bara att minst hälften av mina utplånades efter att ha hört den.
...inte okej.
PR0 L33T
Till och med bloggen vet.
...även om hälften bara är utkast
Minst sagt.
Jag och en vän diskuterar trance-musik.
R: Va? Lyssnar han seriöst på trance?
D: Ja, typ.
R: Vet du vad för typ av musik det är?
R: Vet du vad för typ av musik det är?
D: Ja, sådan som stressar de döda...
Äntligen funnit mitt kall i livet
Endast 30% av världens befolkning kan vifta på näsvingarna.
Hell yeah. I was made for this... *viftar frenetiskt*
(Alla ni testade att vifta och kände er sjukt exklusiva när ni lyckades, va?)
Favoritradiokanalen
Finns ingen som Jamie Foxx, honestly. Han är superman, allt han tar i blir till guld. Hursom - lyssna på hans radiokanal. Alltså roligare finner man inte. Han diskuterar jämt så sjuka ämnen. Det känns som att man sitter i samma studio som de.
Här diskuterar de Katt Williams. Finns ingenting man inte kan citera och asgarva åt här. De roastar ihjäl honom, helt sjukt. Men det är lite rätt åt honom med tanke på hur han dissade Steve Harvey (annan komiker). Det klippet finns att hitta på youtube, skriv bara "Katt Williams calling out Steve Harvey".
Här diskuterar de Katt Williams. Finns ingenting man inte kan citera och asgarva åt här. De roastar ihjäl honom, helt sjukt. Men det är lite rätt åt honom med tanke på hur han dissade Steve Harvey (annan komiker). Det klippet finns att hitta på youtube, skriv bara "Katt Williams calling out Steve Harvey".
Big bang theory
Raj är upprörd över att Howard ställde in deras matlagningskurs.
Howard: Look, I said I'm sorry, allright?!
Raj: "Sorry" doesn't make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is made of?
[arg] - RICE!
En killkompis har ledsnat:
"Jag har skickat ut ett förslag till riksdagen som säger att när en kvinna kör bil, måste bilen markeras med en röd skylt. Jag har kört bil från Turkiet till Sverige i 3 dagar nu.. tro mig jag har sett allt, ni kvinnor borde inte ens få cykla."
Känns inte helt rätt att invända.
Two and a Half Men
Charlies fru diskuterar tjejen hon vill presentera för Jake.
Jake: Is she a brainiac?
Chelsea: A brainiac? I don't know.
Jake: I don't want her to be dumb but I
don't want her to talk down on me either.
...and yeah - I'd like her to have some junk in the trunk too.
Bara Snoop säger så.
“Britney would make a better prostitute
than Christina. She's thicker, you know.”
Ärlighetens bäst-före-datum
Pappa stirrar uppgivet på min bukett med rosor
jag fått hemlevererat för någon vecka sedan.
P: Jag minns tiden då jag fick presenter av hemliga beundrare.
R: Var det vanligt att tjejer gav killar presenter i Irak?
P: Nej, men till varje tjej som ville ha mig sa jag att min födelsedag var nästa vecka. Lagomt länge nog för dem att leta en värdig present och kort tid nog för mig att få den snabbt.
R: Ärlighet varar längst, pappa.
P: Presenter varar längre, habibti.
Det där är ett argt barn
